Yesterday I made a quick dash to my friend’s where Daniella went to spend some hours to pick her up. As she stepped out I noticed her tummy was big and I asked her;

Me: Mamangida, your tummy bulu ibu. What did you eat in Aunty’s house?

Daniella: Mummy have you called Uber?

Me: you order Uber, you don’t call it, and don’t avoid my question. What happened to your tummy?

Daniella: I ate chips, garri and soup another garri and soup, juice and….
Me: ozugo, don’t tell me more. Within a short time you ate all these. Nne, don’t forget your doctor told you not to eat too much and italu abacha before you left the house. From Echi ga abụ Fibre and protein for some days.

Daniella: I won’t eat this night oooo but everyday I eat gari and soup. I don’t want the virus to beat me so I eat big food and be strong.

Me: Chineke biko zobakwa m na aka ezigbo nwa jnyelu mụ ooooo. (God please save me from this good child you blessed me with) What did you just say? Listen I have foods to build your immunity and not daily gari. Who taught you this?

Daniella: I like garri and soup and I can eat it everyday.

Me: Biko who told you to eat big food to beat virus?

Daniella: I taught myself. I am also giving my children big food. I don’t want them to go to Emergency room.

Me: Mama our Uber is pulling up, let’s step down and biko let’s end this akụkọ till we get home.

Daniella: Mummy I need another IPad, my own is bad.

Me: OK. I heard you. I ga agbawa m aka nụ wee gotianu!! (You will have to force me to buy it).

Daniella: What did you say?

Me: Say kwa, biko banye motor (board the Uber) and shift to the right and pulluee your seat belt let me sit down. Inukwa another IPad kita anya na acha m red.

Daniella: Mummy are you OK? Let me see your eyes. I will take you to the doctor. You don’t wear your eye glasses every day, be a good woman OK.

Me: (to the Uber guy) Hello how are you today?

Daniella: (to the Uber guy) Hi, are you OK? Do you have virus on your chair?

Me: What’s that question for?

Daniella: He closed his chair mummy.

Me: Ekwena ka m mechie gị ọnụ a. (Don’t allow me to get you to shut your mouth) He collapsed the seat so no one can sit there and there’s no virus there OK? Ngwá sachie ọnụ gị a and mechie anya afụ iji afụ ife na afuro ghu. (Quickly close those eyes with which you observe and get involved in what’s none of your business).

Daniella: Mummy you’re something else. I love you but I don’t want to sleep OK? Mind your business.

Me: you’re my business lue echi. Biko akụkọ a bezia let me think and draw up list of what to buy maka na awụsa na fu abata Awka. (Biko let this story come to an end let me plany shopping as thos locked down is getting out of hand).

Daniella : we are in Queens, this is not Awka and I want baby carrots and yogurt and spaghetti.

Me: !! Goz omulu gịnị eeeeeeee????? Ọ mulu nwanyaoooooooo!!!!!! (Goz has given birth to